Friday, December 23, 2011

or something like it

smashing like rain on a tin roof.  that's how things feel today ... i think.
it bears neither good or bad preference, but it's steady, and it's strong.
i'm okay.



Tuesday, December 20, 2011

he came home.

she sat in a dirty old room, in a dirty old house, below a very tall hill ... in the middle of midwestern america.  her hair looked like a wig of rusted nails, and as it fell past her face it scratched those baby-fat cheeks.  this left her bloody and needing relief. 

she was peckish, too.  no food, no food.  the cupboards were full of cobwebs, and dead mice, but no food. she scratched her head rhythmically, while shaking a spider off of her slanted shoulder. 

it had been days, or maybe more, since she had eaten.  she lost track of time when the clocks stop ticking, and her heart stopped caring.  she rubbed her stained face with exhaustive efforts, and paced the kitchen floor.  the hunger was fierce, piercing ...

"my god ... " she thought. "i need to eat."

nobody called, and nobody came by.  she spent an eternity sprawled on the black and white checkered floor ... her jaw resting on the cool tile.  a dark brown field mouse skittered by.  she thought he looked hopeful, and laughed to herself when even the mouse couldn't find a spare crumb.

"some water ..." she thought.  so with arms full of apathy, and muscles that shook with starvation, she pushed herself into a sitting position.  she ran her fingers between her toes and dug at the top of her feet.  she felt filthy, and smudged with despair. 

she lazily looked up, and intensely stared at the silver faucet .... glistening in the sun like an oasis.  suddenly, her mouth felt like it was full of cotton balls.  she ran her tongue along the roof of her mouth.  it felt rough, like the tongue of a cat.  she curled her lip with dissatisfaction, and death-gripped the chair to assist her in standing.  she wobbled, rubbed her head, and regained focus. 

two steps forward ...
one step back ...

she stood there, nearly in tears. 

she let go of the table, her heart full of determination, her breast heaving under the pressure - and leaped towards the sink.  she felt vindication.  she felt successful.  one small triumph, at least.

after turning on the cold tap and filling a glass, she began to chug, with little regard for the pain in her stomach. she looked overjoyed ... almost smug ... and sat down in a black kitchen chair. 

she finished her water between thoughts of suicide and escape ... when he walked through the door.

Monday, December 19, 2011

piss off.

i couldn't sleep last night - the pressure of everything collapsed in on me ... again.  funny though, i was exhausted and teary eyed because the sleepiness was so heavy.  not unusual for me to lose sleep.  not when i feel like i'm losing greater things.

i'm not a monster, by the way. i might be projected as such, but i'm not. 
people have their own delusions and misconceptions to thwart around.
burden of proof  is on them.     
i'll tell you what you want to know.  i hold no reservation. 

i react badly.  i fight with little regard when defensive.  sometimes i'm even an asshole.
so isn't everybody else though.  i refuse to sit in this shit alone.  i don't belong here, and if i do?
so do you.

even now i'm pathetically exhausted.  i tried to nap but my head is elsewhere.  it's racing along like a retired greyhound, limping with disdain towards the world.  the world didn't do this to me though.  i mean, a very small ... minuscule percentage did ... and even some i did to myself.  

is this ambiguous enough?  i sure fucking hope so! 
lord knows i don't want to cause any upset - i mean - how would that look?
to express myself?!  what a ridiculous notion.  ha ha ha. 
my head hurts.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

ranting.

make, break or busted
i'm enraged and disgusted
by the lack of the people
screaming out for
evolution
revolution
constitution
oh
it doesn't mean a thing
just another piece of paper
idiotic scribblings
wont keep us safe
keep us warm
keep us all safe from harm
and if i die before i wake
the universe, my soul to take
spreading out across the sky
stardust redemption in my eyes
burst and scatter
further go
become one with all to hold
in the center of my being
i am you and you are me
and together
we are everything
everything
that we see

but do my ears deceive me
dare i utter the repeat
there's no stomping in the streets
no screaming out for some relief
and if so
screaming be silent
it's a coined quiet riot
with the deadliest objectives
narrow minded perspectives
and take shelter
(it's so dangerous)
from all the herding sheep
flocking together
soaked in terror
a mass produced barrier
between me and all the better
it's that 'goodness' that i'm after
after all
i make the call
when i go right
when i go wrong
and when i ask 'do i belong'
so i stand strong
and beat along
to all the war drums
filled with song
and raise my hands
with loving sways
to feel the energies we save
and instantly exuding
all awareness that's occurring
planting seeds
reaping sow
harvesting where you can go
without question
disrespect
it's a risk that we all take
or should, at very least
to make a difference
to take an interest
in human kind
learn to swim
or die

private eye

eyelids drawn back in a state of numbness
delusion
too many toxins in my blood today

i’m awake and aware
this room is dark and muted
brain slugged up with soupy software
glossy eyes gaze before me
a part of me and this screen
this scene is killing slowly
below me are these feet
firmly planted on the ground

i’m obliterated
annihilated but accepting
exhausted but still ticking
my fingers picking every key specifically
clicking, tapping, pushing
return
return
late night privacy
private eye ecstasy
kiss me
you fool

on my knees
in an obsequious manner
scorned but wanting more

melodic undertones

beating rhythmic hearts in flow
with simple tones in drone
spinning circles
faster, faster
holding breath of songbirds
blooming, resonating
total recognition
the power of absolution in our absence of dedication
to ourselves and our souls

squeaking calliope in the foreground
mocking laughter in the street
cyclical blaspheming is not so discreet
piping from youthful lungs
though it’s a common song sung
spinning circles
faster, faster
then we all fall down

human dilation
exercised electrical synapses
brain wave function on a level
higher than this dimension
forthright and upfront
spoken melodies understated
bubble gum background castrated
feel as i feel
as they see
as you want

spinning circles
faster, faster
then we all fall down

back down

i tip my hat and back out gracefully.

transcended beyond a lesser me;
an incomplete version
of a lost little woman.
i've upgraded
and the air is thin here.

shoved aside, tucked away
ignored and still swallowed pride.
i let my ego stand aside.
though the hurt still flows
just as heavy
twisting through every bend of my mind and body
and I can't help but wonder,
when does this end?

i've given my heart.  i've given my soul.
i've dedicated, committed, promised, and cried.

perhaps this is my lesson
among the many other things
and for those who need it
i will always bend.

dew drops

swaying as the wind does
in it's early morning wake
and the dew drops hold
late memories of the night
picturesque in darkened drab
with plight
and the pendulum swings
tick
tock
tick
tock
pacing with the hearts of lovers
lost in the race
with a quick embrace
nothing more than a sigh
in due passing

screams of angst and passion ring out
through the damp night air
as the city sleeps

souls quarrel
fixated on the only thing they trust
in themselves
to hold and be held
begging for affection and attention
and a little security
because we all have our worries
and the need for a pat on the back
with whispers in our ears
that
"it'll be okay".

singing the sweetest lullaby
breathy words wavering in song
to calm the nerves
cooing us to sleep
in this time of hate
and resistance to change
clinging on to comfort
things to pass the time
thoughts flooding our bodies
of the present and past lives
but i digress.

peace and love be with you tonight
we all sleep here
under the sky of black
stricken with stars and planets alike
which makes this whole connection
seem plausible
in dew drop light.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

just a thought.

it's a sad day when you realize you dance like a middle-aged soccer mom. 





 

 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

introduction, essays, and love.

hi. thanks for stopping by.  nice to meet you.  i love your shoes.

that's a proper start, right?

anyway.  i'm blogging to relieve the growing tension between my brain and my skull.  
a place of sanctuary and thought ... or just thought.  somewhere to jot it all down, ya know?

i'm terrible at keeping hand-written journals these days.  i hope this goes well.

i have an essay due tuesday but i haven't started it yet.  not to my surprise, i've been seized by the procrastination monster, and right before finals.  my first year back to school and i can't seem to get a grip.  i feel this intense pressure to do well, unrealistically perfect, and i know it's all in my head.  there's this constant war going on inside of me and it's all freakin' poppycock!  i did just use the phrase "inside of me" and the word "cock" in the same sentence.  feel free to giggle.

i should start the essay in 30 minutes.  that will give me enough time to finish this, spend 2 hours on my paper, and have another hour to indulge myself by watching Hugh Laurie grace the medical world (starting on season one ... again).

next week?  maybe another round of blackadder.  that sounds delicious.

oh essay, why do you torment me so?!  you're tearing me apart!!!

 so anyway ... at some point today i starting thinking about the whole 'love' scheme.  i recall there being no thoughts that lead into it, but i had just enough time to give the idea a once over before switching my attention to something shiny.  i think the idea of love is fucking wonderful and the experience can be one of the most exciting things ever, especially at the beginning.

but my batting average is shit, so what do i know?

this love thing makes itself look pretty tempting and quite scrumptious, but it always seems to hit below the belt.  love makes us hurt (and not just romantic love, all kinds of love).  sometimes, as i have experienced, you can even be in love and still be miserable.  that scenario sucks.  crazy, twisty, womanly emotions getting all tangled up and knotted together.  soon they start sending all the wrong signals and getting mixed in communications, causing spontaneous meltdowns and smudged mascara.  what a bunch of crap.

i don't like meltdowns, but once they start, they don't stop.  it's like this immovable (yet jiggly) force that makes icky slurping noises as it consumes you.  pretty soon you're sitting in the car, oozing your emotional goo all over the place, while your object of point is staring at you with concern, and with bagels in their lap.  if you're lucky though, they'll be understanding, and your self-esteem wont bottom out.  that's the best case scenario.

worst case scenario involves them clutching the bagels with great fear, their jaw slightly dropping, while they subtly grasp for the door handle.  within two seconds of ending your emotional drivel, they'll bolt from the car so fast a 'whooshing' sound will will rush past your ears.  unless you're wearing a sexy black dress and have precisely timed, romantic R&B.  that works like a charm.

i have a confession.  i've been watching 'the room' whilst writing this.  it's so ... so good.

and with that, i have an essay to write.