Monday, March 26, 2012

do NAHT

things you just shouldn't do:


- try to gasp for air while washing your face. 
 result: a mouthful of soapy water.

- invite a porcupine into your sex life.  
result: more than just a pain in your ass.

- request that your flatmate throw the tape-player into the bathtub with you
when 'white rabbit' peaks.  
result: probable death.  not everybody is as kind
as hunter s. - not everybody will throw a grapefruit at your head. 

- swing really, super high directly after eating.  
result: puking.  potential choking hazard.  definite memory keeper.

- trying to be sexy after drinking a lot.
result: tits falling out of your shirt, drool sliding out of the side of your mouth,
slurred poetic verses of love, and eventual passing out in the lap of the person
you're desperately trying to swoon.
result of that: no phone call the next day.

- head bang while driving.
result: you will look stupid.  ladies will hate you.  men will laugh.

- give your child caffeine.
result: loss of sanity.  yours, not theirs. (oh.  and it's bad parenting.  waffle-twat.)

- put out a fire with your body.
result: you'll most likely catch on fire.  if you're alone, you're probably fucked.

- trying to walk on water whilst tripping on acid.
result: you won't be walking on water, you'll be drowning in it.

- sticking your head into the mouth of a lion.
result: one of two things can happen here.  either the lion is
docile and has the utmost patience for your circus stupidity OR
he eats your face.  either way, is it worth the risk?

keep adding to this list.  i'm going to bed.

Friday, March 23, 2012

i am a woman, after all.

i look in the mirror
and what do i see?
two lumbering hips, staring back at me.
around to the front, as i sneer with disgust
a belly; round, soft, and robust.
marked with the scars of childbearing years
stained by all the self-deprecating tears.

i turn to the left, shift my body upright
catch glimpse of my ever-fleshy backside ...
and with watering eyes, i look at my feet;
at least those are cute and petite.

prominent ankles, tomboyish stems
sometimes i think my body is condemned.

i claw at my porcine thighs
nowt i can do to hide
i should stop stomping on my pride.

broad shoulders to steady my burdens
a strong back to carry my children
corpulent arms that sway when i walk
small hands that help me to talk ....

i'm built like a teapot
short and stout
here are my love handles
my neck is the spout;
stretching up to the sky when i sing,
holding my head when i scream.

i'm not dainty, graceful, or lean.
i'll never be tall, precious, or thin.
not cute as a button
or fair as a fawn.
i've been built to work
until my life is done..

genetics have made me the way that i claim,
and i'll try to remember not to be ashamed.

i'd rather keep my smarts than have more sex appeal.
i'd rather be rational than beautifully surreal.
i'm happier as the 'go to' when someone's distressed,
than be a bar-hopping, spoiled, eye-candied hot mess.

i take solace that i'll make a good wife.
i take pride that i've lived a hard life.

i'm pleased my maternal instincts are sound.
i'm thrilled to have good friends around,
to pick me up when i do hit the ground.

my body, my temple, my biological car.
you've served me well, you've got me this far.
you're not what i wanted, or expected at all.
and like my character, you're nowhere near small.

i'm stuck with you for the rest of my days.
you'll change like the weather when i change with age.

some days i'll loathe you, like a pain in my ass.
i'll cry, beg, and plead  - stare at you like you're trash.

other days i will wear you, with admiration and worth.
put you up on a pedestal, not feeling cursed.

my feelings on this are fleeting and banal.
but i am a woman, after all.





the fever's rolling in
the blues is back again
the reflection begins

what the hell!
where to now?
pretty sure i had it all figured out.
settled, calm, cool, and protected.
everything seemed in perfect perspective.
leave it to me to destroy the collective;
i've got a knack at defying objectives.

oh my, i'm digging my grave.
six feet deeper, and i'll feel brave.
shove me in, i can do the rest.
but don't leave me alone, i'm not feeling my best.

talk to me through the ground
and i'll tell you what i've found ...
what put me into this compound ...
what was so profound.
why i'm so fucking down.




 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

words of wisdom, quotes to live by.

"You can quote me on many things. This is one of them."

"Then that would make you my heinous anus."

‎"If you want to fuck someone in the ass that just shat and didn't wipe you, my friend, have a poopdickament."

"Going to the food library using someone else's EBT card. I am as classy as I am handsome."

"I think we'll have a long, fruitful relationship. With the beef jerky, that is."

"Atkins; The Scientology of diets."

"I would eat cottage cheese out of her asshole, and I don't even like cottage cheese."

"Fuck Chuck Norris. Fuck him and his Walker, Texas Ranger and creationism. Van Damme was the REAL meal deal. He had Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double Impact, Universal Soldier, Cyborg, Hard Target, not to mention he rocked the EXTREME high pants. And, could Chuck Norris do the splits? I think not."

"Ska - The disco of punk rock."

"On a positive note, cheers to whoever or whomever invented feta cheese. It's like chewing delicious rubber."

"You just go ahead and get off on that. ha ha ha. I am such a genius."

"Tired of reading posts about your fickle relationship, your contempt for men, your ugly fucking feral kids and bible scripture. If you're going to keep posting the same things, make them about Roadhouse, or The Big Lebowski, or Satan."

"I bet her vag smells like a fish hatchery."

"Band name ; Exit Felix."

(all credit is given to the endlessly quotable Jason ....)