pickin' bones

1) i need to know where this new found interest in scarves came from.  i mean, when i was younger, scarves were purchased (or made) to keep you warm during the winter - and only the rarest of pretentious twats (like yuppies and faux intellectuals) wore them beyond the scope of temperature control. now it's like a virus spreading all over the fucking world.  it could be ninety degrees out with a humidity percentage of 110%, and these jerks will still wear scarves ... with their designer ribbed wife-beaters.  i think it looks silly.  if you want an accent piece, wear a fucking necklace ... or some earrings ... or carry a parrot on your shoulder.  cold-weather accessories are for practical purposes, and sweltering underneath your shittily crocheted yak-yarn cowl on a summer's eve (courtesy of some overpricing baroness of etsy) is just as practical as high heels.  by that i mean, it's not.

2) fake glasses.  i.do.not.get.it.  as a spectacles wearer, i could never conceive a good enough reason for anybody to wear non-prescription glasses.  it makes me think you're pulling fakies in every other facet of your life.  if you need to wear bullshit eye-wear, maybe your penis isn't real, either.  perhaps your love for the homeless is a front, too.  i understand that "nerdy glasses" are "cute", and guys especially really "dig them" .... but this bizarre attraction is even more mind boggling.  there are plenty of people out there with real glasses - so wouldn't you rather date the ladies you know aren't pulling your (leg) instead of the flakes pulling a (fast one) on you?  if you need to make yourself look like a nerd, you're clearly not a nerd, and need to stop trying.  not to mention, it's still just as practical as those infamous high heels. 

3) returning complaint: refusal to use indicator (turn signal):  i'll make this short.  USE THE FUCKING THING.  JUST USE IT.  IT'S NOT HARD.  IT'S NOT A DIFFICULT TASK.  IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ASKING YOU TO LEARN BLOODY MACRAME! IT'S A FUCKING INDICATOR, TO FUCKING INDICATE THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO FUCKING TURN SO I DON'T FUCKING PLOW INTO THE FUCKING BACK OF YOUR FUCKING CAR!

4) why the fuck does excommunication seem to be an acceptable way to punish someone?  surely one would think that talking out the problem, and finding a solution that saves the friendship/relationship, would be the proper way to go.  considering that we're all adults here, very few of you actually know how to act like one.  it's disheartening. it's discouraging.  and, fuck you.

5) there weren't as many bones to pick as i had anticipated, or maybe i'm just really tired.
i'm going to guess on being tired, because it sounds right.

you know what else sounds right? vagina folding. 

do NAHT

things you just shouldn't do:


- try to gasp for air while washing your face. 
 result: a mouthful of soapy water.

- invite a porcupine into your sex life.  
result: more than just a pain in your ass.

- request that your flatmate throw the tape-player into the bathtub with you
when 'white rabbit' peaks.  
result: probable death.  not everybody is as kind
as hunter s. - not everybody will throw a grapefruit at your head. 

- swing really, super high directly after eating.  
result: puking.  potential choking hazard.  definite memory keeper.

- trying to be sexy after drinking a lot.
result: tits falling out of your shirt, drool sliding out of the side of your mouth,
slurred poetic verses of love, and eventual passing out in the lap of the person
you're desperately trying to swoon.
result of that: no phone call the next day.

- head bang while driving.
result: you will look stupid.  ladies will hate you.  men will laugh.

- give your child caffeine.
result: loss of sanity.  yours, not theirs. (oh.  and it's bad parenting.  waffle-twat.)

- put out a fire with your body.
result: you'll most likely catch on fire.  if you're alone, you're probably fucked.

- trying to walk on water whilst tripping on acid.
result: you won't be walking on water, you'll be drowning in it.

- sticking your head into the mouth of a lion.
result: one of two things can happen here.  either the lion is
docile and has the utmost patience for your circus stupidity OR
he eats your face.  either way, is it worth the risk?

keep adding to this list.  i'm going to bed.

i am a woman, after all.

i look in the mirror
and what do i see?
two lumbering hips, staring back at me.
around to the front, as i sneer with disgust
a belly; round, soft, and robust.
marked with the scars of childbearing years
stained by all the self-deprecating tears.

i turn to the left, shift my body upright
catch glimpse of my ever-fleshy backside ...
and with watering eyes, i look at my feet;
at least those are cute and petite.

prominent ankles, tomboyish stems
sometimes i think my body is condemned.

i claw at my porcine thighs
nowt i can do to hide
i should stop stomping on my pride.

broad shoulders to steady my burdens
a strong back to carry my children
corpulent arms that sway when i walk
small hands that help me to talk ....

i'm built like a teapot
short and stout
here are my love handles
my neck is the spout;
stretching up to the sky when i sing,
holding my head when i scream.

i'm not dainty, graceful, or lean.
i'll never be tall, precious, or thin.
not cute as a button
or fair as a fawn.
i've been built to work
until my life is done..

genetics have made me the way that i claim,
and i'll try to remember not to be ashamed.

i'd rather keep my smarts than have more sex appeal.
i'd rather be rational than beautifully surreal.
i'm happier as the 'go to' when someone's distressed,
than be a bar-hopping, spoiled, eye-candied hot mess.

i take solace that i'll make a good wife.
i take pride that i've lived a hard life.

i'm pleased my maternal instincts are sound.
i'm thrilled to have good friends around,
to pick me up when i do hit the ground.

my body, my temple, my biological car.
you've served me well, you've got me this far.
you're not what i wanted, or expected at all.
and like my character, you're nowhere near small.

i'm stuck with you for the rest of my days.
you'll change like the weather when i change with age.

some days i'll loathe you, like a pain in my ass.
i'll cry, beg, and plead  - stare at you like you're trash.

other days i will wear you, with admiration and worth.
put you up on a pedestal, not feeling cursed.

my feelings on this are fleeting and banal.
but i am a woman, after all.

the fever's rolling in
the blues is back again
the reflection begins

what the hell!
where to now?
pretty sure i had it all figured out.
settled, calm, cool, and protected.
everything seemed in perfect perspective.
leave it to me to destroy the collective;
i've got a knack at defying objectives.

oh my, i'm digging my grave.
six feet deeper, and i'll feel brave.
shove me in, i can do the rest.
but don't leave me alone, i'm not feeling my best.

talk to me through the ground
and i'll tell you what i've found ...
what put me into this compound ...
what was so profound.
why i'm so fucking down.




 

words of wisdom, quotes to live by.

"You can quote me on many things. This is one of them."

"Then that would make you my heinous anus."

‎"If you want to fuck someone in the ass that just shat and didn't wipe you, my friend, have a poopdickament."

"Going to the food library using someone else's EBT card. I am as classy as I am handsome."

"I think we'll have a long, fruitful relationship. With the beef jerky, that is."

"Atkins; The Scientology of diets."

"I would eat cottage cheese out of her asshole, and I don't even like cottage cheese."

"Fuck Chuck Norris. Fuck him and his Walker, Texas Ranger and creationism. Van Damme was the REAL meal deal. He had Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double Impact, Universal Soldier, Cyborg, Hard Target, not to mention he rocked the EXTREME high pants. And, could Chuck Norris do the splits? I think not."

"Ska - The disco of punk rock."

"On a positive note, cheers to whoever or whomever invented feta cheese. It's like chewing delicious rubber."

"You just go ahead and get off on that. ha ha ha. I am such a genius."

"Tired of reading posts about your fickle relationship, your contempt for men, your ugly fucking feral kids and bible scripture. If you're going to keep posting the same things, make them about Roadhouse, or The Big Lebowski, or Satan."

"I bet her vag smells like a fish hatchery."

"Band name ; Exit Felix."

(all credit is given to the endlessly quotable Jason ....)
  

personal survey a go go

Whats your middle name?:	lynn
How big is your bed?:	bigger than a bread box
What are you listening to right now?:	my own nasally breathing
What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?:	5309
What was the last thing you ate?:	almonds
Last person you hugged?:	my cat
How is the weather right now?:	stupid
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?:	this really sexy hooker. i forgot his name.
What is the first thing u notice in the opposite sex?:	their hands
Favorite type of Food. :	real
Do you want children?:	for what purpose?
Do you drink?:	water is imperative
Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?:	no, but you clearly have
Hair color?:	sepia toned
Eye colour?:	cobalt blue
Do you wear contacts/glasses?:	spectacles
Favorite holiday?:	halloweenie
Favorite Season?:	summall (summer and fall)
Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?:	yep. nearly drown them with my tears of fury.
Last Movie you Watched?:	lord of the rings
What books are you reading?:	wasted
Piercings?:	yes please
Favorite Movie?:	one flew over the cuckoo's nest
Favorite college football Team?:	barf
What were you doing before filling this out?:	smoking a cigarette like the slave of nicotine i am.
Any pets?:	some.
Dogs or cats?:	it's what's for dinner.
Favorite Flower?:	dahlia
Have you ever loved someone?:	sure
Who would you like to see right now?:	that fucking hooker. so hawt.
Have you ever fired a gun?:	i sure have!
Do you like to travel by plane?:	i like to travel by humming bird.
Right-handed or Left-handed?:	my other left
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?:	saskatoon
Are you missing someone?:	oh well gosh darn. you got me.
Do you have a tattoo?:	fuck yes.
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?:	no.
Are you hiding something from someone?:	nope.
ARE YOU 18?:	i'm 28, which makes this pathetic.
WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE?:	some kid.
DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?:	i never do.
FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING?:	HOOKERS
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE?:	A SHELF
GRILLED OR FRIED?:	DEAD
WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE?:	NOTHING
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?:	EVER LOVING FUCK I AM
FAVORITE HANGOUT?:	UPSIDE DOWN
3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?:	WATER, OXYGEN, AND PLACENTA
FAVORITE SONG?:	THE ONE THAT DOESN'T SOUND SHITE
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?:	EVERYTHING
ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER?:	GIVER
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?:	jenndo
WHAT IS YOUR DADS MIDDLE NAME?:	BUBBLE TRUMPS
WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME?:	BLARGLESNARF
STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD TAKE ONE THING?:	TOILET PAPER
FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?:	NADS
WHO'S YOUR CELL PHONE PROVIDER?:	iwireless.  sucks.
FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE?:	THE DISHES
Whats your favorite color?:	roy g biv
WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS TAKE WITH YOU?:	my organs
WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?:	a kid
WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 11:11?:	look at it
THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEEt?:	green
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?:	changing my life so dramatically, that it couldn't be my life.
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so still.

there's still a little blood on my thigh
from when he decided to take his time
no nerve for fighting
i just sat there, silently screaming in

there's still a little bruise on my cheek
from when he decided to make me feel weak
no point in fighting
i just stood there crying, silently screaming in

there's still a little ring 'round my throat
from when he decided to give me a choke
no use in fighting
i just shut down, silently screaming in

there's still a little break in their hearts
from when they begged him to stop from the start
no strength for fighting
they were so still, silently screaming for me