the fever's rolling in
the blues is back again
the reflection begins

what the hell!
where to now?
pretty sure i had it all figured out.
settled, calm, cool, and protected.
everything seemed in perfect perspective.
leave it to me to destroy the collective;
i've got a knack at defying objectives.

oh my, i'm digging my grave.
six feet deeper, and i'll feel brave.
shove me in, i can do the rest.
but don't leave me alone, i'm not feeling my best.

talk to me through the ground
and i'll tell you what i've found ...
what put me into this compound ...
what was so profound.
why i'm so fucking down.




 

so still.

there's still a little blood on my thigh
from when he decided to take his time
no nerve for fighting
i just sat there, silently screaming in

there's still a little bruise on my cheek
from when he decided to make me feel weak
no point in fighting
i just stood there crying, silently screaming in

there's still a little ring 'round my throat
from when he decided to give me a choke
no use in fighting
i just shut down, silently screaming in

there's still a little break in their hearts
from when they begged him to stop from the start
no strength for fighting
they were so still, silently screaming for me

or something like it

smashing like rain on a tin roof.  that's how things feel today ... i think.
it bears neither good or bad preference, but it's steady, and it's strong.
i'm okay.

he came home.

she sat in a dirty old room, in a dirty old house, below a very tall hill ... in the middle of midwestern america.  her hair looked like a wig of rusted nails, and as it fell past her face it scratched those baby-fat cheeks.  this left her bloody and needing relief. 

she was peckish, too.  no food, no food.  the cupboards were full of cobwebs, and dead mice, but no food. she scratched her head rhythmically, while shaking a spider off of her slanted shoulder. 

it had been days, or maybe more, since she had eaten.  she lost track of time when the clocks stop ticking, and her heart stopped caring.  she rubbed her stained face with exhaustive efforts, and paced the kitchen floor.  the hunger was fierce, piercing ...

"my god ... " she thought. "i need to eat."

nobody called, and nobody came by.  she spent an eternity sprawled on the black and white checkered floor ... her jaw resting on the cool tile.  a dark brown field mouse skittered by.  she thought he looked hopeful, and laughed to herself when even the mouse couldn't find a spare crumb.

"some water ..." she thought.  so with arms full of apathy, and muscles that shook with starvation, she pushed herself into a sitting position.  she ran her fingers between her toes and dug at the top of her feet.  she felt filthy, and smudged with despair. 

she lazily looked up, and intensely stared at the silver faucet .... glistening in the sun like an oasis.  suddenly, her mouth felt like it was full of cotton balls.  she ran her tongue along the roof of her mouth.  it felt rough, like the tongue of a cat.  she curled her lip with dissatisfaction, and death-gripped the chair to assist her in standing.  she wobbled, rubbed her head, and regained focus. 

two steps forward ...
one step back ...

she stood there, nearly in tears. 

she let go of the table, her heart full of determination, her breast heaving under the pressure - and leaped towards the sink.  she felt vindication.  she felt successful.  one small triumph, at least.

after turning on the cold tap and filling a glass, she began to chug, with little regard for the pain in her stomach. she looked overjoyed ... almost smug ... and sat down in a black kitchen chair. 

she finished her water between thoughts of suicide and escape ... when he walked through the door.

piss off.

i couldn't sleep last night - the pressure of everything collapsed in on me ... again.  funny though, i was exhausted and teary eyed because the sleepiness was so heavy.  not unusual for me to lose sleep.  not when i feel like i'm losing greater things.

i'm not a monster, by the way. i might be projected as such, but i'm not. 
people have their own delusions and misconceptions to thwart around.
burden of proof  is on them.     
i'll tell you what you want to know.  i hold no reservation. 

i react badly.  i fight with little regard when defensive.  sometimes i'm even an asshole.
so isn't everybody else though.  i refuse to sit in this shit alone.  i don't belong here, and if i do?
so do you.

even now i'm pathetically exhausted.  i tried to nap but my head is elsewhere.  it's racing along like a retired greyhound, limping with disdain towards the world.  the world didn't do this to me though.  i mean, a very small ... minuscule percentage did ... and even some i did to myself.  

is this ambiguous enough?  i sure fucking hope so! 
lord knows i don't want to cause any upset - i mean - how would that look?
to express myself?!  what a ridiculous notion.  ha ha ha. 
my head hurts.

ranting.

make, break or busted
i'm enraged and disgusted
by the lack of the people
screaming out for
evolution
revolution
constitution
oh
it doesn't mean a thing
just another piece of paper
idiotic scribblings
wont keep us safe
keep us warm
keep us all safe from harm
and if i die before i wake
the universe, my soul to take
spreading out across the sky
stardust redemption in my eyes
burst and scatter
further go
become one with all to hold
in the center of my being
i am you and you are me
and together
we are everything
everything
that we see

but do my ears deceive me
dare i utter the repeat
there's no stomping in the streets
no screaming out for some relief
and if so
screaming be silent
it's a coined quiet riot
with the deadliest objectives
narrow minded perspectives
and take shelter
(it's so dangerous)
from all the herding sheep
flocking together
soaked in terror
a mass produced barrier
between me and all the better
it's that 'goodness' that i'm after
after all
i make the call
when i go right
when i go wrong
and when i ask 'do i belong'
so i stand strong
and beat along
to all the war drums
filled with song
and raise my hands
with loving sways
to feel the energies we save
and instantly exuding
all awareness that's occurring
planting seeds
reaping sow
harvesting where you can go
without question
disrespect
it's a risk that we all take
or should, at very least
to make a difference
to take an interest
in human kind
learn to swim
or die

just a thought.

it's a sad day when you realize you dance like a middle-aged soccer mom.