i made a promise today that i've made a million times in the past few years.
i understand why everybody wants me to make this promise, and it's really for my own
benefit ... not theirs.
that promise being this: that i will never, under any circumstance, fall into the vile grips of another abusive relationship.
you see, this upcoming march will mark the 3 year 'anniversary' that i left my viciously abusive husband. i call him my husband because, surprisingly, we're not divorced, but that's a whole different blog. i don't really dwell on it much these days, but it happens, especially when i'm alone. nighttime floods me with thoughts of the shoulda, coulda, woulda's ... but that's besides the point.
i'm safe now.
that said, there are so many victims of such crimes that keep silent. i was one of those silent people, for five long years, but i'm standing here today screaming out on behalf of the rest. i always will. the abuse has changed me forever, and i will fight to the ends of the earth for others to know that they deserve better, too.
the websites on domestic violence are excellent reference points, but none really go into other red flags that are usually prominent during the beginning of the relationship - the most pivotal point - the intersection that you stand at forever weighing out whether you stay or go. maybe he/she has yelled at you one too many times, but you justify it because they're having a hard time - or they just lost their job - or they're battling addiction - or they're coping with newly surfaced parental issues that have been buried for way too long. the excuses are endless. maybe they've pushed you a time or two, or backed you into the wall when you've tried to stand your ground. to an outsider, these things will look outrageous, but to you, it's .... nothing. they love you, after all.
first and foremost, anybody that says they love you within the first 7 days is full of shit, but they've chosen you for a reason. your self-esteem is probably so low it's dragging on the ground behind you, and that's like blood to a shark. they pick up that scent and stalk closely behind. predators read people, very well, and will get to know you on a very personal level - but in a subtle way. they'll insist they care and will expect you to spill every last piece of your shortcomings and fears. you will do this, because nobody ever listens. odds are, you've already been a victim of abuse in some other part of your life. coincidentally, they will share every last common interest with you, even the bizarre ones .... right down to your favorite color and the way you prefer to make the bed. the attention they shower you with in the first few months is so overwhelming that when the "small" red flags start to appear, you'll dismiss them. the aforementioned shoves here and there, the short tempered yelling over insignificant things, and even the constant questioning of your lifestyle will all seem protective instead of abusive, and you'll be swooned by that. it will seem like somebody cares, finally, after all those years.
the kicker is you will have good times with this person. if you didn't, you wouldn't stick around. these people will make you laugh harder, smile bigger, and fall in love faster than anybody ever has or ever could (so you think). the power of suggestion is heightened during this period, and you'll find yourself agreeing with their irrational behaviors and ideas more frequently. you'll make sense out of it, you'll protect everything they do, and it's at this crossroad when friends and family start asking you if you're alright. you won't have noticed your lack of interest in things you used to love, your absence at family gatherings, and friendly meetups. you won't have even the slightest inkling of how your ideals and morals have changed, because that one person makes it all better ... even when they're slamming their hands on the table and demanding an explanation over who that old friend is you've just added on facebook.
things will go on like this for a while, and you will start questioning yourself, but shrugging it off rather hastily.
then .... they'll hit you.
welcome to the most ridiculous point ever. we're taught that hitting is wrong, and if anybody ever does so, to say goodbye. but you wont say goodbye. you'll stick it out because they'll cry, beg, plead, and promise to never do it again. you'll believe them, hunker down, and lick THEIR wounds instead of your own. it's a bottomless spiral from that point on. the hooks are in deep, and you'll feel hopeless.
what happens after this can go in a plethora of directions. the abuse will get worse, in any case. the hitting will become steady, consistent, and expected. you'll get used to the yelling and learn to drown most of it out, unless they're right next to your ear, or in your face .... or holding you down by your shoulders so you can't look away.
you'll virtually stop talking to your family, and they'll notice, but won't have the slightest clue. even if they do, they won't know what to say, and even if they did you'll argue them into the ground. the bruises will be well hidden, and you'll double check that they are. foundation will become your best friend, as will loose fitting clothing, long sleeves, and sunglasses. contact with your friends will also diminish, especially with those that are stubborn and opinionated. most of your friends will be ... your lover's friends, or mutual friends you've made together. those are the friends that are hardest to convince you're being abused. they'll see this suave and kind person, albeit odd at times, and will have difficulty swallowing anything negative you have to say.
soon your days will be spent inside the home. you'll forget how to socially interact. you'll forget 80% of the things you love. each day will bring misery, sorrow, disgust, and self-loathing. you might become suicidal, but honestly, you're more likely to become apathetic. hours will run together. sleep will be filled with nightmares and no longer be a safe haven. sex will become abhorrent and a dutiful chore. if you don't put out, bad things will happen.
you'll become an empty, hollow shell of the person you once were.
the abuse will get worse. the cycles will run closer together, and pretty soon, there won't be any 'calm before the storm'. it will always be raining.
the end result can go in only two directions. you either leave, or you die.
leaving seems impossible to those in that dire situation.
believe me, i've been there, and i almost died.
there are shelters and support groups. your friends will help you unquestionably, but most won't know the right thing to say. forgive them for that, because they mean well. family will be supportive, but in an even worse position than your friends. the whole scenario will probably seem foreign (obviously, specific circumstances per family will differ), but they too will mean well.
leaving IS a viable option.
it's scary, terrifying, and you'll feel like you're leaping into the unknown.
but remember that - you've already lived through the worst of it - and it's all uphill with the first step away from that hellish life.
expect to be asked a million questions, especially the notorious "why did you stay through that?!" inquiry.
do not be ashamed to answer with an "i don't know". it will be closest to the truth.
only time will let you understand the depths of the situation.
never be afraid to tell others you do not want to talk about it, but don't confuse this with 'never talk about it'.
the more you talk, the easier it is to cope with, and the better you'll feel.
speak up, speak out, and be proud of leaving. be proud of living.
if you're reading this and are currently in an abusive relationship:
there is help for you, there is hope for you, and you are too lovely of a person to continue down that road.
exercise your right to live safely and happily.
use local resources (including personal support groups/friends/family) to get out.
there is LIFE on the other side and you WILL make it.
i beg of you, my friend, to take that courageous jump forward.
you are not alone, and the relief is immeasurable.
i have faith in you, because i had faith in myself when nobody else did, and you should too.
one phone call is all it takes.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
there are people who are ready to help you now.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Domestic Abuse: Signs, Warnings, Support, and Numbers
(this blog description is based upon my own experiences with abuse - personally, and as an outsider. undoubtedly i will post more in depth stories from time to time - but take a moment out of your life to seek out other blogs of similar ilk. they are all worth the read, and the support.)
i understand why everybody wants me to make this promise, and it's really for my own
benefit ... not theirs.
that promise being this: that i will never, under any circumstance, fall into the vile grips of another abusive relationship.
you see, this upcoming march will mark the 3 year 'anniversary' that i left my viciously abusive husband. i call him my husband because, surprisingly, we're not divorced, but that's a whole different blog. i don't really dwell on it much these days, but it happens, especially when i'm alone. nighttime floods me with thoughts of the shoulda, coulda, woulda's ... but that's besides the point.
i'm safe now.
that said, there are so many victims of such crimes that keep silent. i was one of those silent people, for five long years, but i'm standing here today screaming out on behalf of the rest. i always will. the abuse has changed me forever, and i will fight to the ends of the earth for others to know that they deserve better, too.
the websites on domestic violence are excellent reference points, but none really go into other red flags that are usually prominent during the beginning of the relationship - the most pivotal point - the intersection that you stand at forever weighing out whether you stay or go. maybe he/she has yelled at you one too many times, but you justify it because they're having a hard time - or they just lost their job - or they're battling addiction - or they're coping with newly surfaced parental issues that have been buried for way too long. the excuses are endless. maybe they've pushed you a time or two, or backed you into the wall when you've tried to stand your ground. to an outsider, these things will look outrageous, but to you, it's .... nothing. they love you, after all.
first and foremost, anybody that says they love you within the first 7 days is full of shit, but they've chosen you for a reason. your self-esteem is probably so low it's dragging on the ground behind you, and that's like blood to a shark. they pick up that scent and stalk closely behind. predators read people, very well, and will get to know you on a very personal level - but in a subtle way. they'll insist they care and will expect you to spill every last piece of your shortcomings and fears. you will do this, because nobody ever listens. odds are, you've already been a victim of abuse in some other part of your life. coincidentally, they will share every last common interest with you, even the bizarre ones .... right down to your favorite color and the way you prefer to make the bed. the attention they shower you with in the first few months is so overwhelming that when the "small" red flags start to appear, you'll dismiss them. the aforementioned shoves here and there, the short tempered yelling over insignificant things, and even the constant questioning of your lifestyle will all seem protective instead of abusive, and you'll be swooned by that. it will seem like somebody cares, finally, after all those years.
the kicker is you will have good times with this person. if you didn't, you wouldn't stick around. these people will make you laugh harder, smile bigger, and fall in love faster than anybody ever has or ever could (so you think). the power of suggestion is heightened during this period, and you'll find yourself agreeing with their irrational behaviors and ideas more frequently. you'll make sense out of it, you'll protect everything they do, and it's at this crossroad when friends and family start asking you if you're alright. you won't have noticed your lack of interest in things you used to love, your absence at family gatherings, and friendly meetups. you won't have even the slightest inkling of how your ideals and morals have changed, because that one person makes it all better ... even when they're slamming their hands on the table and demanding an explanation over who that old friend is you've just added on facebook.
things will go on like this for a while, and you will start questioning yourself, but shrugging it off rather hastily.
then .... they'll hit you.
welcome to the most ridiculous point ever. we're taught that hitting is wrong, and if anybody ever does so, to say goodbye. but you wont say goodbye. you'll stick it out because they'll cry, beg, plead, and promise to never do it again. you'll believe them, hunker down, and lick THEIR wounds instead of your own. it's a bottomless spiral from that point on. the hooks are in deep, and you'll feel hopeless.
what happens after this can go in a plethora of directions. the abuse will get worse, in any case. the hitting will become steady, consistent, and expected. you'll get used to the yelling and learn to drown most of it out, unless they're right next to your ear, or in your face .... or holding you down by your shoulders so you can't look away.
you'll virtually stop talking to your family, and they'll notice, but won't have the slightest clue. even if they do, they won't know what to say, and even if they did you'll argue them into the ground. the bruises will be well hidden, and you'll double check that they are. foundation will become your best friend, as will loose fitting clothing, long sleeves, and sunglasses. contact with your friends will also diminish, especially with those that are stubborn and opinionated. most of your friends will be ... your lover's friends, or mutual friends you've made together. those are the friends that are hardest to convince you're being abused. they'll see this suave and kind person, albeit odd at times, and will have difficulty swallowing anything negative you have to say.
soon your days will be spent inside the home. you'll forget how to socially interact. you'll forget 80% of the things you love. each day will bring misery, sorrow, disgust, and self-loathing. you might become suicidal, but honestly, you're more likely to become apathetic. hours will run together. sleep will be filled with nightmares and no longer be a safe haven. sex will become abhorrent and a dutiful chore. if you don't put out, bad things will happen.
you'll become an empty, hollow shell of the person you once were.
the abuse will get worse. the cycles will run closer together, and pretty soon, there won't be any 'calm before the storm'. it will always be raining.
the end result can go in only two directions. you either leave, or you die.
leaving seems impossible to those in that dire situation.
believe me, i've been there, and i almost died.
there are shelters and support groups. your friends will help you unquestionably, but most won't know the right thing to say. forgive them for that, because they mean well. family will be supportive, but in an even worse position than your friends. the whole scenario will probably seem foreign (obviously, specific circumstances per family will differ), but they too will mean well.
leaving IS a viable option.
it's scary, terrifying, and you'll feel like you're leaping into the unknown.
but remember that - you've already lived through the worst of it - and it's all uphill with the first step away from that hellish life.
expect to be asked a million questions, especially the notorious "why did you stay through that?!" inquiry.
do not be ashamed to answer with an "i don't know". it will be closest to the truth.
only time will let you understand the depths of the situation.
never be afraid to tell others you do not want to talk about it, but don't confuse this with 'never talk about it'.
the more you talk, the easier it is to cope with, and the better you'll feel.
speak up, speak out, and be proud of leaving. be proud of living.
if you're reading this and are currently in an abusive relationship:
there is help for you, there is hope for you, and you are too lovely of a person to continue down that road.
exercise your right to live safely and happily.
use local resources (including personal support groups/friends/family) to get out.
there is LIFE on the other side and you WILL make it.
i beg of you, my friend, to take that courageous jump forward.
you are not alone, and the relief is immeasurable.
i have faith in you, because i had faith in myself when nobody else did, and you should too.
one phone call is all it takes.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
there are people who are ready to help you now.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Domestic Abuse: Signs, Warnings, Support, and Numbers
(this blog description is based upon my own experiences with abuse - personally, and as an outsider. undoubtedly i will post more in depth stories from time to time - but take a moment out of your life to seek out other blogs of similar ilk. they are all worth the read, and the support.)
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