being in love doesn't necessarily mean you're in a functioning relationship, and being in a functioning relationship doesn't mean you're in love.
but let's suppose you are in love, and in a relationship.
now this blog is mainly geared towards the ladies, as it seems to be a common issue amongst us, and by us, i mean you ... because i'm too laid back to give a damn.
the main problem lies in one word: jealousy
it's a dirty word, and a common ailment. when i was younger, i was the jealous type. i thought i should be idealized and the only woman my partner ever looked at. if i ever found the eyes of my partner wandering off i was happy to gouge them out with rusted spoons infected with hepatitis. i would get sour, bitter, and shut down entirely. my self-esteem would be shattered, but at what cost? it seems silly to me now.
the difference between men and women is vast, but as humans, we all look. men look at women, women look at men, women even look at other women. we size them up, wish that we looked more like them, or make crude comments about the muffin top they wobble around to make ourselves feel better. women get together to bitch, moan, and giggle about who's cute (or "hot"). men do the same thing, but for shame if we catch them doing it.
being in a relationship does not imply that our partners are the only attractive person in the entire world, to us. what it does mean is that we're significantly attracted to our partner on more than just the physical plane. we respect them, enjoy their company, prefer conversation with them, appreciate the commonalities, adore their presence, lovingly accept their faults, miss them when they're away, and are primarily aroused by them. that's why we end up in a committed union with someone.
commitment. there's another fun word. men are going to look, as i said before, and so are we (women). looking is harmless. pursuing, on the other hand, is a problem. a 10 second gaze off in the direction of a woman with voluptuous breasts doesn't mean he'd rather be with her. it means he's looking at her tits because they're perky, bouncy, and on display. he's still going home with you, living with you, loving you, having sex with you, talking to you, and enjoying you. he's chosen to BE with you, but nature suggests he will look at things that are nice. that's all.
i find myself, and other women, doing the same thing. i see a pretty woman, i'll look at her, and even go so far as to comment to the person with me that i think she's a very pretty woman. same logic follows when looking at men. does that mean i want to approach them, get to know them, and fornicate? hell no. the person is visually stimulating, even for a moment, and that's it.
it is unhealthy to assume we are the only ones our partner will ever find attractive. it's delusional, and frankly, unfair. they've dated before us, so clearly they find others attractive, and we know this. why kid ourselves over a basic instinct, and then get so dramatically worked up over it to the point of starting fights? now if we find them staring for longer than a minute or two, completely blanked out from our conversation, and drooling down their shirt .... sure, say something to get their attention, but maybe tease them instead of cackling on like a distraught hen. if they start taking pictures with their phone, subtly, or flirting in the most blatant way with little regard for your feelings - then yes. that gives a bit of room to become irritated and to even bitch a bit.
flirting. oi vey. there's another thing. people flirt with everybody. we flirt with gas station attendants, peers, cashiers, etc. it's part of being nice, it's part of showing our approval towards someone. a little flirtatious behavior, again, is harmless. when the physical boundary is broken, when sexual content starts entering the conversation, when talk of meeting up in a less than platonic way gets brought up - the warning lights should go off and it should be addressed in a very grown up fashion. pitching fits, yelling, and becoming hostile gets you nowhere. if anything, that kind of response will push a wedge between you and your partner even more, and the behavior that pissed you off in the first place will get worse.
pick your battles, and don't be hypocritical. don't hate your mate for being a human being, either.
now some of you might suggest that, as intelligent folk, we should overcome that. bullshit.
we're monogamous. that's unnatural, and a pretty big achievement. i am a monogamous creature and find myself relatively not attracted to another soul when i'm in love/committed to someone, but that doesn't mean i still can't find another person attractive. however, it doesn't sway how i feel or how i look at my partner. i simply adore and prefer them by a country mile, and i can guarantee that most men think and feel the same way.
the next time you see your man eyeballing the rounded backside of a lady for a split second, think about these things: who's hand does he hold, who does he kiss, who does he call when he's upset, who's bed does he lie in, who's body does he embrace, who is he intimate with, who does he gaze at adoringly, who does he call 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful', who does he spend most of his time with, who does he proclaim intense feelings for, who's tears does he wipe away, who does he miss, who's bedside will he rush to during sickness, who does he laugh with, who's opinion does he ask most of?
answer: you.
it makes those little glances and cheeky comments seem insignificant in that light.
if you're secure, in love, and such .... those things won't bother you anyway. if they do, there's a deeper problem, and it's more than likely your own than it is his. if that's the case, i'd hold off dating until you've worked out your inner demons.
(and i know men can be dogs. of course they can. but you know ... women can be just as bad.)
but let's suppose you are in love, and in a relationship.
now this blog is mainly geared towards the ladies, as it seems to be a common issue amongst us, and by us, i mean you ... because i'm too laid back to give a damn.
the main problem lies in one word: jealousy
it's a dirty word, and a common ailment. when i was younger, i was the jealous type. i thought i should be idealized and the only woman my partner ever looked at. if i ever found the eyes of my partner wandering off i was happy to gouge them out with rusted spoons infected with hepatitis. i would get sour, bitter, and shut down entirely. my self-esteem would be shattered, but at what cost? it seems silly to me now.
the difference between men and women is vast, but as humans, we all look. men look at women, women look at men, women even look at other women. we size them up, wish that we looked more like them, or make crude comments about the muffin top they wobble around to make ourselves feel better. women get together to bitch, moan, and giggle about who's cute (or "hot"). men do the same thing, but for shame if we catch them doing it.
being in a relationship does not imply that our partners are the only attractive person in the entire world, to us. what it does mean is that we're significantly attracted to our partner on more than just the physical plane. we respect them, enjoy their company, prefer conversation with them, appreciate the commonalities, adore their presence, lovingly accept their faults, miss them when they're away, and are primarily aroused by them. that's why we end up in a committed union with someone.
commitment. there's another fun word. men are going to look, as i said before, and so are we (women). looking is harmless. pursuing, on the other hand, is a problem. a 10 second gaze off in the direction of a woman with voluptuous breasts doesn't mean he'd rather be with her. it means he's looking at her tits because they're perky, bouncy, and on display. he's still going home with you, living with you, loving you, having sex with you, talking to you, and enjoying you. he's chosen to BE with you, but nature suggests he will look at things that are nice. that's all.
i find myself, and other women, doing the same thing. i see a pretty woman, i'll look at her, and even go so far as to comment to the person with me that i think she's a very pretty woman. same logic follows when looking at men. does that mean i want to approach them, get to know them, and fornicate? hell no. the person is visually stimulating, even for a moment, and that's it.
it is unhealthy to assume we are the only ones our partner will ever find attractive. it's delusional, and frankly, unfair. they've dated before us, so clearly they find others attractive, and we know this. why kid ourselves over a basic instinct, and then get so dramatically worked up over it to the point of starting fights? now if we find them staring for longer than a minute or two, completely blanked out from our conversation, and drooling down their shirt .... sure, say something to get their attention, but maybe tease them instead of cackling on like a distraught hen. if they start taking pictures with their phone, subtly, or flirting in the most blatant way with little regard for your feelings - then yes. that gives a bit of room to become irritated and to even bitch a bit.
flirting. oi vey. there's another thing. people flirt with everybody. we flirt with gas station attendants, peers, cashiers, etc. it's part of being nice, it's part of showing our approval towards someone. a little flirtatious behavior, again, is harmless. when the physical boundary is broken, when sexual content starts entering the conversation, when talk of meeting up in a less than platonic way gets brought up - the warning lights should go off and it should be addressed in a very grown up fashion. pitching fits, yelling, and becoming hostile gets you nowhere. if anything, that kind of response will push a wedge between you and your partner even more, and the behavior that pissed you off in the first place will get worse.
pick your battles, and don't be hypocritical. don't hate your mate for being a human being, either.
now some of you might suggest that, as intelligent folk, we should overcome that. bullshit.
we're monogamous. that's unnatural, and a pretty big achievement. i am a monogamous creature and find myself relatively not attracted to another soul when i'm in love/committed to someone, but that doesn't mean i still can't find another person attractive. however, it doesn't sway how i feel or how i look at my partner. i simply adore and prefer them by a country mile, and i can guarantee that most men think and feel the same way.
the next time you see your man eyeballing the rounded backside of a lady for a split second, think about these things: who's hand does he hold, who does he kiss, who does he call when he's upset, who's bed does he lie in, who's body does he embrace, who is he intimate with, who does he gaze at adoringly, who does he call 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful', who does he spend most of his time with, who does he proclaim intense feelings for, who's tears does he wipe away, who does he miss, who's bedside will he rush to during sickness, who does he laugh with, who's opinion does he ask most of?
answer: you.
it makes those little glances and cheeky comments seem insignificant in that light.
if you're secure, in love, and such .... those things won't bother you anyway. if they do, there's a deeper problem, and it's more than likely your own than it is his. if that's the case, i'd hold off dating until you've worked out your inner demons.
(and i know men can be dogs. of course they can. but you know ... women can be just as bad.)
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